Vickie the Dictator

Reasons I'm not on Facebook much anymore.

2009-10-27T01:20:00.003Z

This, however, is awesome.

1. I suck at Farmville and it makes me a bit sad.
2. I find most status updates incredibly irritating. Seriously, so irritating that I want to jab you in the eye with a spork. Five years ago, back on myspace, I always had one or two friends who would irritate me with constant bulletins about the inane details of their life - now 500 people do, and there's only so many times I can read "I can't live without coffee in the morning!" or "Hanging out with my girls!" without my eyes rolling so far into the back of my head that I start being able to find vaguely appropriate metaphors. I'm as bad at that as I am at Farmville.
3. Unnecessary exclamation marks make my eyes bleed!!!!!!!!!!!!11
4. In "RL," I get very irritated by arrogant people and whiny attention whores, probably partially because I'm inclined to be both. Facebook magnifies those qualities.
5. Trying to think up my own status updates makes me depressed - if I was honest, they'd all be something like "Played World of Warcraft for 6 hours then had a nap" or "Realised I don't need to eat and shower as much if I leave my room less - win!" There's no way I can spruce that up with exclamation marks and lulz to sound good; I'm a miserable git. Status envy much?
6. The Farmville thing again.

How to annoy me at work

2009-07-03T15:05:00.000+01:00

1. Ask for discounts on £10 watches. Then, insist that I check with my manager. That isn't how shops work! Go back to the market you came from. Seriously, do these guys ask for discount at Topman? Asda?
2. Call me over by clicking your fingers and pointing. I'm not a dog.
3. Return £9.99 silver chains because they "just fell off your neck" so are "obviously faulty."
4. Get angry when glued on crystals on a cheap watch fall off after "only" 6 months of constant wear. It's a miracle it lasted that long anyway.
5. When I'm in a cabinet serving someone else, put your hand inside, try to grab something and say, "While you're in there, can I just take this out?" No. No. Things are behind glass cabinets for a reason; you're not supposed to play with them on your own.
6. Try and bribe me into giving you discounts. An ugly middle aged man once offered to take me to dinner; other cheeky people say they'll give you a personal tip if they can use your staff discount. Is you saving £20 really more important than me getting fired? Also, been taken out to dinner by sleazy strangers is never a treat.
7. When faced with a tray full of neat, clean earrings, pull them all out quickly and rub them all over your sticky fingers. People have to put them in their ears! Stop it.
8. Be really snobby about buying display items. They're behind glass; they've barely been touched. Fair enough, check to see if they're damaged, no one cares about that, but things don't lose value just from being looked at. For example, if you get a watch as a gift, is your immediate response, "I sure hope no dirty peasants have looked longingly at this watch, or I won't be able to wear it and have any semblance of self worth left!"
9. Expect me to be magical. If you ask for engagement rings below £150, that's fine, but they're going to be small. I can't give you a 1carat, flawless diamond for £99.99.
10. On the same note, if you walk in and ask if we have any necklaces that say "Chanelle", don't be surprised if we have to order it.

Seriously.

2009-06-06T00:02:00.005+01:00

1. Please stop wearing leggings. I know Kate Moss can pull them off sometimes, but you are not Kate Moss. Bright pink leggings aren't "retro," they're sinful. And the bad kind of sinful too, not the little sins that God probably finds funny and nearly does himself occasionally.

Like most sane human beings, I mainly dislike fat people in leggings. Too many people seem to think that if they don't have the legs to wear a micro mini or hot pants, they can totally get away with it if they wear bright pink zebra print leggings underneith. This is stupid; not only can I still see your chunky thighs, they're even more obvious because they're BRIGHT PINK.

Even if you have nice legs, leggings are not wise. They highlight everything that is slightly wrong with your body. Only skinny, tall girls should even contemplate wearing them, and even then, no. Especially with the current trend to wear them with nothing but a long tshirt, some "ironic" sunglasses that aren't actually sunglasses and clashing shoes, you just look a tit. Please stop it. I don't want to see the minute contours of your thighs, and I ESPECIALLY don't want to see your camel toe and your VPL when your tshirt rides up, which it will.

2. Men, stop wearing slogan tshirts. Even if they're funny the first time you read them, they definitely aren't the 74th time. When I was in a particularly foul mood the other day, I saw a man wearing a tshirt that said "You want me, you just don't know it yet!" I found it so irritating that I actually walked up to the poor guy, looked him square in the eye and said, "I really don't mate," before moving on. I know it's hard to believe from the general aura of sweetness and light and cupcake that surrounds me, but I've been a wee bit grumpy recently.

Another one I've seen a lot recently is "Cover me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians!" I'm not too familiar with the social habits of large groups of half starved homosexual women, but I'm pretty sure hungrily licking chocolate off a delighted 19 year old male is pretty low down on their list of priorities. Personally, "Kill the mother hugger who's been keeping us in captivity and starving us for weeks" and "Wash chocolate stains off carpet before they stain," would be much higher on my list.

"If you party with the party prince, you get two complimentary after dinner mints!"

2009-02-12T21:28:00.009Z

Seriously, I'm so going to play that joke on my future daughter some day. Please play along.

I ran out of meds at the weekend, so I've been having crazy person withdrawal symptoms all week; entertaining for the first day, but just embarrassing and inconvenient by the third. I was twitching and shaking constantly and everything around me looked like it was going twice as fast as it actually was. I made the mistake of going to get my eyebrows done to try and cheer myself up; by the end of it, I was sweating like a pig with the effort of not twitching. Also, Selfridges is really hot. I think my mood was summed up by a conversation I had in my car on Monday:

Me: Do you want a lift to college tomorrow?
Rob: Sure!
Me: Just because, if you do, you HAVE to come early.
Rob: Erm, ok...
Me: Because it is SO disrespectful if you don't. Seriously, I'm doing you a favour and you make me wait around? You know how stressy that makes me. It makes me REALLY mad. I'm getting mad now just thinking about it. Just PROMISE you won't be late, ok?
Rob: Ok...?

I must have been a fun friend this week... thankfully I managed to get to the docs today so I'm happy again. I also learnt my lesson about being disorganised with doctors appointments.

I did an insanely embarrassing thing yesterday morning; our street is having work done on all the houses, so there's scaffolding up and builders at my bedroom window constantly. They knocked on our door on Tuesday morning to tell us that we wouldn't be able to use the front door for a few hours the next day because they were cleaning the walls or something, and arranged a time for us to be out. They were very nice, actually. Anyway, the next day I leave the house at the agreed time and go to my car. As I'm getting in, one of the builders starts shouting at me. I can't really hear what he's saying; it sounds something pervy, so I just shout out, "You wish!" and start looking for my car keys faster. He starts laughing and replies, "No, I said are your housemates going to be out the house before nine?" I was so mortified!

I've spent the last few weeks playing The Sims 2 for about 7 hours a day, so here's some pictures of my virtual babies.

This is mummy Tilly with baby Bonnie and big sister Blythe, who are my favourite sims ever. Tilly's long term lover is an alien called Fry. There's also a bigger sister called Brodie who's a bit of a hussy.
This is Bonnie when she's older; isn't she hot!

This is Blythe's boyfriend, John. He has stupid hair but he's a nice guy.

This is Angel, who's a bit of a crazy cat woman now. She had twins; two incredibly ugly boys, who I'm very fond of just because they're fugly.

This is Kiera, who's insane. She's in a cult and had a bit of an accident with a mind altering machine, so is obsessed with grilled cheese sandwiches.

This is Jessica, John's twin sister; she's actually quite pretty when she's not having a fat day and has spots all over her face.

I love my simmies :)

I very much want to eat a whole bag of Mini Eggs, right now.

2009-01-21T23:14:00.004Z

I'm going to have to conquer my awful sleep patterns tonight, because I have to get up early to let various workmen into my home. I thought it would be clever to arrange for them all to visit on the same day, but it turns out none of them can be in the house if another work man is already there (They claim it's for insurance reasons, but I think they just hate each other) so I've had to stagger them throughout the day.

One of the men who's coming is a pest control man, about the mice problem I'm always whining about. I have absolutely no idea what he'll do though, other than block up holes and stuff; will he make beautiful music on a flute, luring all the mice from their daytime slumber, only to shoot them all with a tiny paintball gun? Will he somehow cause civil unrest amongst the mice community, causing them all to fight to the bloody death? Seriously, I have no idea.

A year of sleeping 15 hours each day has finally took it's toll on my body, and after wussing out of joining the gym again (I'm too shy to sign up on my own and all my "friends" think this is hilarious so won't go with me) I got out a work out DVD me and Kat bought last summer, used once and then actively ignored. I managed to do the whole thing, but the carpet in front of the TV is drenched with sweat and I'm in incredible pain. Speaking of incredible pain, I had another massage today; I find massages really excruciatingly painful, but insist on paying money for them anyway for reasons I've never fully understood.

I visited my nephew (he's two) yesterday and he's learned to say "Bicky" which is very cute. He can also say "Flipping heck!" and pats fat people's tummys and says "Baby!" I enjoyed that a lot but mainly because it wasn't my tummy he was patting.

Dance music probably isn't helping.

2009-01-08T02:19:00.003Z

Like most people who blog, I can't sleep. This is a diary of my insomnia.

9.30 - 11.00 - Huddled up on the sofa worrying about the least worrying problem I have.

11.00 - 11.15- Watched GemsTV online. I thought about buying a zultanite; not because they're particularly good looking, but the man made them sound cool.

11.15 - 12.00 - More worrying.

12.00 - 12.10 - Amazed at how the mice that live in my kitchen managed to poop in ALL of the mixing bowls. Washed the one that smelt the least.

12.10 - 12.40 - Cooked some double chocolate chunk muffins from a packet. They smell nice. Hope the mice don't eat them, or poop on them.

12.40 - 1.00 - Facebook. Made the mistake of commenting on someone's status; 17 notifications later, other people eventually stop commenting on it too.

1.00 - 1.05 - Got into bed. Rolled about a bit. Turned on computer again.

1.05 - 1.30 - Researched obscure illnesses online, and decided I have them all.

1.30 - 1.55 - Watched Sugar Rush on 4OD. Being a lesbian looks hard work.

1.55 - 2.15 - Complained to people on msn about how I can't sleep.

2.15 - 2.45 - Found a picture to put at top of blog post. Changed my Speed Dial to include Grooveshark.

2.45 - 3.09 - Blogging, slowly. Keep on cracking my toes.

I'm bloody bored, to be honest. I got used to working every day over Christmas and now I'm faced with a month of working 6 hours a week before college starts again I'm bored stiff. I nap a lot during the day, hence why I'm so irritatingly perky and awake in the early hours.

I still haven't found a good way of going to sleep; it's never really a problem I've had before last year. I sometimes listen to a meditation cd, but the only reason it works is because it's so incredibly boring. "Think about your toes. What do they feel? What do they think? Breathe into your toes. Breathe out from your toes. How do they feel now?"

I have a strong urge to read Enid Blyton books.

I'm not entirely sure how I lived without a dressing gown.

2009-01-07T00:17:00.004Z

I work in a mid market jewellers. During the festive season, we're rather busy. All the people who never venture out their front door for the other 11 months of the year crawl out of the holes where they must live and try and buy earrings from me.

To be honest, most of my customers are lovely; I served one elderly couple last week who were almost teary eyed with gratitude when I sold them insurance, of all things. I've just had some absolute jerkwads over Christmas, and it's time to rant about them.

I was serving a man and his two young sons. He was already being grumpy with me because he'd had to wait to be served; a common theme with customers who come shopping the week before Christmas. I was putting his transaction through the till and trying to make awkward conversation with a very arsey man when his card is declined. This happens quite a bit at Christmas, and it's not a big deal; usually it just takes a few more attempts and it'll go through with no problems; the card machines probably just get a bit over worked or something. After two more attempts, it still doesn't work; Arsey man's heckles rise further. We're chit-chatting politely, but every word is dripping with distain for the other.

I ask to have a look at his card and he throws it at me. It's absolutely mangled; loads of scratches, and what looks like teeth marks along one side. I swipe his card and as he's signing the receipt, I suggest, "You might want to have the card looked at Sir; it looks pretty worn."

Arsey man practically spits at me. "You're just doing this on purpose!" he spat accross the counter. "I swear down that if I go into any other shop, it'll work just fine."

"Sir, I'm really not doing this on purp..."

"Quality of service here is appalling! First you make me wait, then this!"

"Sir, your card looks like it's been chewed on by a large dog. Have a good day."

--

I've discovered that if I wear pigtails to work, I attract lots of unwanted attention from disgusting old men. On the other hand, if I wear glasses and put my hair up, I attract rich customers. On this particular day I was wearing bunches.

I was serving a bent old men, who'd been chatting away quite happily to me. He was quite cheeky, but just in an eye-rollingly annoying way. I bent over to get a carrier bag for him, and he stares mesmerised at my ass, rubs his hands together in glee and suddenly asks, "How much is it to get up there, love?"

I pretended I hadn't heard him and hid behind the repair desk for a while, rocking back and forth.

--

On a particularly busy day, the next person in my queue were two ladies; probably a mother and a daughter. The mother was the atypical sweet old lady, and the daugher was a crazy middle aged phycho. She had a thin face, pointly glasses and a fur coat. She crossly beckoned me over and pointed at some earrings. "And I presume I get 20% off these?"

I shook my head. "No, sorry," I explained. "Only the products with the red labels are in the sale."

She looked absolutely aghast. "But everywhere else is giving me 20% off!"

At this point, the floor controller chipped in with, "Well, you'll have to shop there then!"

Clearly taken aback, the phycho woman looks put out for a moment, then her eyebrows knit with evil once again. "I want to have a closer look at them" she says, and points somewhere towards the earring display.

I open the cabinet, get the earrings out and turn round to discover she's marched to the other end of the shop and sat down. I follow her and show her the earrings. She doesn't really look at them. "I'll get 20% off these," she says again, with determination. I'm getting quite frustrated by this point.

"No, you don't. These aren't in the sale," I say.

"Then your signs are misleading! I know my rights!" she cries.

There are no signs at all that say anything of the sort. "Which sign are you talking about, sorry?" I ask. She points somewhere behind her. "The 0% apr on storecards sign?" I ask.

She looks around more carefully, and settles on her sign of choice. "That one!" she said. "The one that says 20% off!"

I read the sign out very slowly. "Get a £25 voucher when you spend over £25?"

"Very misleading. I'd like 20% off."

"I'm very sorry, but no."

At this point her mother pipes up with, "They're very pretty earrings though! I like rose gold." Phycho lady storms off. I crack up laughing.

I've just spent about 2 minutes weighing up the pros and cons of putting chewing gum in my nose.*

2008-12-05T22:49:00.003Z

I left a depressing post at the top of my feed for far too long, and I'm sorry. It's going to go away now. I'll try and tell you all the incredibly exciting and amazing things I've been up to since I last blogged.

I worked an evening shift on Wednesday, but the traffic was crazy bad on my way to work, so I was running an hour late. I was quite content about it, to be honest; there was nothing I could do to get to work quicker, so I just sang along to bad dance music at the top of my voice for the whole two hours I spent in the car. While I was on the phone to work, I got stopped by a police lady who told me off for using my mobile while driving.

Eventually, I was about two minutes away from the car park. Dance music was still playing really loud. Traffic lights went green, I drove into the roundabout, middle lane. A car on my left was in the wrong lane and was about to drive into me, so I dart to the right, but there's a huge ruddy truck there; it hit me behind my back wheel and my tiny little car spins in a circle then crashes into the middle of the roundabout, just in front of a Subway sign. I burst into tears but all I could actually think about was whether I'd broken my phone or not because I wanted to ring Boyfriend and it had flown off my lap during all the spinning.

It turned out my car was fine; it has a bump and the wheels are probably a little worse for wear, but that's it. I'm trying to figure out how to keep it a secret from my parents. I was a shivering wreck for about 20 minutes, then adrenaline kicked in and I went to work and talked very very fast and shook a lot. Which isn't ideal when you're selling diamonds, but made it much more interesting.

On Thursday, I went into the kitchen to have breakfast. We have a serious mice problem in our house, and the kitchen was covered in mouse poop (This is probably a good place to point out that it's not because I live in a den of student filth; I have an insanely clean housemate who stops that from happening). It was all over the floor, all over the shelves, inside my freezer bag, inside the breadbin, on the bread... you get the idea. I'd left my medication out, and there was two tablets missing. Just as I was staring at the packet and getting confused about it, my housemate told me that she found a dead mouse under the sink that morning. Coincidence? I think not.

Friday I was at work again. My shift started at 9; I was so tired I couldn't even hide it by shovelling on make up. I served the cheesiest old man; he walked up to me and said, "I asked for the prettiest sales assosiate in the shop, and they told me to go to Victoria!" I fixed his watch for him, and whenever I asked him a question he replied with something a long the lines of "Only if I get to spend more time with you!" It was kind of cute, in a creepy way. Boyfriend and me got through a whole day without anyone at work making bad jokes about us; our work names are David and Victoria, so at the moment most of the jokes have a similar theme: "Ay Posh, where's Becks? Hahahahaha!" My co-workers are classy folks.

* Pros - it might be tingly!, the possibility of blowing bubbles
Cons - probably not cool, would be unfortunate if it got stuck

I hate myself when I get like this.

2008-11-24T15:12:00.002Z

Feel a bit of a wreck today. I can't even concentrate enough to watch sci fi or read blog entries. I've needed the toilet pretty badly for the past 6 1/2 hours but it seems like a lot of effort so I'm just ignoring it. Haven't eaten in a long time and don't particularly want to. One of my tortoises weed all over me this morning.

Kat smells of Britney and I like it.

2008-11-21T16:05:00.004Z

I saw found this cutie via Cute Overload and got thinking about what kind of costumes I could make for my torts. So far I've been too lazy to do anything other than attatching a bell to Sophie's shell which was very cute but wouldn't win any awards.

Anyway, I'm still not particularly inspired but while I was looking for pictures, I came accross this:
And for a bit of extra cuteness...
Seriously, I squealed with joy for at least 10 minutes straight when I saw this. It combines babies and tortoises and it almost made my womb skip a beat. It's like it's holding out it's arms, saying "Hold me Vickie! I smell like freshly washed baby, I feel like extra snuggly fleece AND I look like a tortoise. Love me!"

Nap time for Vickie now.

I still need to pay my energy bill, though.

2008-11-20T15:06:00.002Z

I didn't go to the Christmas market yesterday afterall. I woke up bouncier than I've done in months; I think being productive and sewing the night before had cheered me up. I still couldn't sleep, but I wanted to get out of bed in the morning because I had a fun skirt to wear, and wanted to curl my hair.

I paid in a cheque that's been sitting in my purse for weeks; the bank is only a 3 minute walk from my front door, but it's probably the furthest I've walked in weeks. It wasn't so much raining as slightly windy and wet; as I walked the wind stung my face, and I felt wonderful.

I took the bus to the city centre and wandered about the shopping centre, looking for something to want. I bought a fabulous coat (It looks nicer in real life, especially when it's undone.) from New Look, and a strawberry milkshake from an ice cream parlour I've never noticed before. An Israeli girl called Tamara curled my hair and I bought the curlers from her. We talked about jewellery, living in Manchester and working for commision. She lives in Oldham Street and likes it because she can walk to work, but doesn't like it because she's woken up by people walking to work in high heels in the morning.

"Invested" in some nice underwear and got talking to one of the charity people who haunt the city centre. He had green hair and worked for the NSPCC. It had been his birthday the day before. I was going to make excuses and leave before he asked me for money then realised I actually had no good reason not to; I spend more money on ice cream every week than what he was asking for. He drew a loveheart on an envelope for me and gave me a hug. I felt a marginally better person.

A nice man cooked me bacon this morning. I'm decorating gift bags with my young people tonight. My tortoises are eating lots. I feel ok.

Captain Picard is hiding underneith the cuttlefish bone again....

2008-11-18T23:56:00.002Z

Look what I made! I found a cheap pair of jogging bottoms in Asda, cut the waistband off, attatched some spare brocade curtain fabric to it, did some speedy machine applique and ta da! A skirt of awesomeness arises!

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the German market in town and drink lots of gluhwein. Anyone want to come?

Oh, happy day!

2008-11-17T18:00:00.004Z

I've eventually found a new blog template I'm happy with. Still trying to move the comments back to Haloscan, but I might not bother. Give me a comment if you find any links that don't work!

Have run out of things to eat that I can reach without moving my ass, so will stop eating for now.

2008-11-16T22:53:00.006Z

A well meaning person asked me what the average day looked like for me now I'm a part time student, and I spluttered something like, "Well, erm, I tend to sleep in a lot now, you know, having down time and meds and stuff, then I'll feed the tortoises and get dressed and ready, and erm, watch sci fi. Sometimes I go to Tesco, I usually drive to one that's really far away and make an afternoon of it. Erm, so yeah, I'm pretty busy. Down time. Erm, yeah." There is no way I can disguise how lazy I am, however many times I try and use the phrase "down time" to suggest that this is a temporary thing, in between the other busy and productive cake slices of my life.

Shockingly lazy things I've done this week:
1) Rather than walk upstairs to sleep, I've slept on the sofa at least twice.
2) Rather than bother showering, I've just cancelled all social engagements and stayed indoors for an extra day.
3) I dusted the books piled on my desk. You know you need to study more when your books need dusting.
4) Plan all my meals around how long it'll take to clean up the mess I'll make while cooking.
5) Take a nap half way through writing a blog post because of the overwhelming mental exertion.

Seriously, I can't even remember the point to this post. It's more depressing than I meant it to be. I've been having some fun trippy dreams though; I had one last night where I gave birth to quadruplets but they went to nursery straight away, and I was standing in my parents house trying to figure out whether I'd really just given birth to quads or whether I'd made it up. Then I cycled to the Trafford Centre with my parents and a load of underprivileged youths, but we were stopped by an enthusiastic woman who recruited us all to be in a marching band. I agreed to do it, but as they were arranging us into lines (Instead of using our names, they called out our favourite websites.) they forgot about me so I skulked away before they could notice.

Maybe the internet can help me interpret!

Babies - "If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; You do not want to let others know of your weaknesses."
Bicycle - "To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings."
Parents - "To see your parents in your dream, symbolizes both power, shelter, and love. You may be expressing your concerns and worries about your own parents. Alternatively, it represents the merging of the female and male aspects of your character."
Marching - "To dream that you are marching to the beat of music, signifies teamwork. It also denotes your aspirations in becoming a soldier or a public office holder."

So I'm embarrassed about the idea of becoming a soldier, I need to gain more balance in my life, I'm hiding some of my many weaknesses, and I'm somehow turning into a man. Awesome.

I like it when the house is warm.

2008-10-28T15:04:00.002Z

I fancy writing some lists.

Vickie's favourite meals
1. Curry (Either the makani from Jalal Tandoori or the tikka massala from Sahowala)
2. That pasta with meat inside it with red pesto (Tesco's own), sweetcorn and garlic bread.
3. Bacon (smoked) and egg sarnie in crustless white bread covered in maple syrup.
4. Beans on toast
5. Nachos with mild salsa, goats cheese and lots of sour cream.
6. BBQ ribs.

Vickie's favourite flavours of Ben & Jerrys
1. Half Baked
2. Cookie Dough
3. Strawberry Cheesecake
4. Phish Food

Vickie's favourite gem stones
1. Tanzanite
2. Alexandrite
3. Sapphire
4. Aquamarine
5. Ruby
6. Anything with more than one colour - ametrine, watermelon tourmaline

Things Vickie spends too much money on
1. Jewellery
2. Curry
3. Beauty treatments
4. Ben&Jerrys
5. Flights
6. Sci fi dvds

Things that annoy Vickie
1. Not having any of the above things
2. People who boast
3. Vickie
4. Being cold
5. Gaining weight
6. Ugly babies
7. Not being able to find a parking space
8. People who ask for discounts at work

Things Vickie plans to do when she's older
1. Breed tortoises
2. Own a Smeg fridge/freezer
3. Go to a sci fi convention
4. Get dreadlocks
5. Have attractive children
6. Go back to the Philippines
7. Have cats with geeky names (Pikachu, Dr Zoidberg, Data, Lolcat)

----------------
Now playing: Big Brovaz - Nu Flow
via FoxyTunes

"You know, that's bad for the paper tray."

2008-10-21T18:25:00.002+01:00

I hit lucky and ended up being a hairdresser's model today. I didn't know what colour I wanted it, so I just told her to do anything that looks nice. My hair looks exactly the same but shinier, so I can't really complain. The hairdressing teacher man also told me I looked "expensive" and I'm not sure quite what he meant by that.

I experimented with false eyelashes today and failed miserably - my hand eye coordination isn't brilliant at the best of times, and it gets worse after I've poked glue in my eye for the third time. They all went in the bin.

It turns out that moudly bread tastes bad, which makes me sad, and slightly ill in my belly. I thought only hygiene freaks avoided eating mould but it turns out they have good reason. My mouth feels sad.

Reasons I'm a loser 16/10/08

2008-10-16T16:24:00.002+01:00

1. I drove home from Asda at midday with my head lights on full.

2. My boyfriend somehow managed to get one of those things you hook round the toilet to make it smell pretty hooked onto his belt and didn't notice for hours. This reflects badly on me.

3. I've spent hours learning how to french plait round the back of my head and consider myself "productive."

4. I cried when my friend shaved his beard off.

5. I live in a house so damp my shoes/paintings are getting mouldy.

6. I have no idea how long a cm is. It's longer than I thought.

7. I can't get into my sock drawer because my chest of drawers has broken again so I'm wearing flip flops in October.

8. I fell out the bed.

9. I'm too shy to return a skirt that's too small and all I have to do is fill out a form and put it in the post. I don't want to be a pain.

10. I cried when I couldn't find the 67.5g packets of boil in the bag rice in the supermarket.

Naughty passport hiding in the crisps AGAIN

2008-10-04T23:19:00.002+01:00

I bought some new shoes on eBay. They have flowers on them. I'm rather excited.

I've started eating Quorn a lot because it's apparently healthier and super low fat etc, but I've just felt really bloated since I started eating it. Might go back to chicken, but not sure if I can deal with the responsibility of buying food that rots quicker than I can leisurely eat it.

I haven't fed my tortoises yet but they look pretty healthy so fingers crossed they can go another day without food. I'll feed them extra tomorrow. Have some washing to do but too cold to dry anything anyway unless I rescue my drying rack back off my housemates, and that might be more hassle than it's worth. I'll just buy new clothes instead. Kat bought me a pretty bracelet today. It's blue and green. I like it.

Am putting off the difficult decision I make every other day; do I have a shower now (it's cold and I'm tired) or put it off until the morning (I'll be more cold and more tired, but IT'S NOT NOW.). Hair wise, it's a big deal too; I used to be able to just sleep on my hair and never brush it and it would be suitably wavy and dreadlocky, but my hair isn't damaged enough to do that now. I realise I shouldn't miss having hair that half dreadlocks over night because it used to freak out my more hygienic friends, but I grew fond of it, and it was a nice compromise between having dreadlocks and not having them. If I wash my hair in the morning, I usually french plait it then take the plaits out the next day. It looks pretty but that way I only have one day of curly haired goodness, and I have to spend 4 minutes doing my hair, which is far too long. Maybe if I don't condition my hair then sleep on it it'll curl easier. If some of my hair falls out because of it I don't really care, I could do with it being thinned out anyway.

I really miss wine.

----------------
Now playing: Hanson - Mmmbop (97)
via FoxyTunes

I like wearing slipper socks when no one can see me.

2008-10-03T15:19:00.002+01:00

It's very cold today so I've stayed in bed. It's 3.20pm at the moment which means I should probably get out soon. I had many good intentions for today (make detailed colour coded chart of when all my essays are due, wash up, take new toothpaste out of box) but the only thing of note I've managed to do is watch 5 episodes of Black Books on 4oD. I choked on my happy pills too and dribbled all down my dress, but thankfully the only people who saw that were the slugs that live on my kitchen floor. I stood on one (with bare feet) a few weeks ago so my relationship with them is fairly tenuous at best. Also, we have mice.

I saw a youtube video of a pet pig doing tricks the other day and now really want a peg piglet, or at the very least a kitten that makes snorting noises. I'm very fond of my tortoises but they're cold most of the time and I find it difficult to relax cuddling them because they poo so much.

I have a fairly strong craving (I'm blaming it on being so wonderfully British) to drink a lot of red wine and wear my wellies (pink with white spots) with a floaty skirt and a jumper that's not my own. I have no wine in the house though and the shop's at least a 2 minute walk away so I'll have to stay in bed and go on eBay. At the moment I'm waiting for a pretty phone to arrive (pink and cream with pretty swirlies) and a Karen Millen dress (covered in butterflies and a size too big so I can eat curry while I wear it).

I've decided to learn how to make origami cranes (harder than I thought) so bye byes.

When I'm in the library, I do NOT appreciate being spoken to by strangers.

2008-08-01T18:44:00.003+01:00

Just a quickie! Have moved into my new house in Moss Side (has a reputation for gun violence, but actually alright in reality) and it's lovely. Have unpacked everything but the kitchen and that's just because I can't decide the most efficient way of organising my condiments. Hopefully internet will be working again at home soon so I can bore cyberspace with details of what I ate for dinner once more. I'm really hungry actually, I might go make some pasta.

Haven't done much in the past month to be honest! Moved in, went to Wales for a week on a NYUK holiday, snared a new man, decided on a dissertation topic and put lots of relevant books in a pile on my desk. Some day, I plan on reading some of them. Today I watched Scrubs and napped on the couch.

I just ate far too much chocolate.

2008-07-11T17:32:00.002+01:00

Sorry if my post last night didn't make much sense, it sounded hilarious in my head, but then again, I was on the wine and I was swaying around like Jack Sparrow.

My new house has a gas cooker which is lovely and good for all sorts of reasons, but I've never had one before and I'm hopeless with it. Because it heats up so quickly, my cooking times are all out; I don't have enough time to give the tortoise babies a bath and have a wee while I'm cooking beans on toast. The temperature also seems to have two options; very hot and too hot. I picked the wrong one last night and my oil started spraying off in all directions, including the direction my eye was located at. It hurt. Boiling oil isn't meant to go inside your eye. I screamed.

I had a weird dream last night about being on the run in a canoe. Other people were there too, but I can't remember who they were. The police were chasing me, so we dived into this canoe and went as quick as we could, but there were holes in it, so I had to empty it out with a plastic beaker. I was delirious with adrenaline, but then the river (it looked more like a water slide) stopped inside a factory, but I couldn't get back in the canoe until I bought some new earrings. Then I realised that running away wouldn't be as fun and glamourous as I thought because I didn't have my debit card on me and I'd just spent all my cash on earrings shaped like flip flops.

Some day, if I get really rich, I might run away in a canoe.

House insurance costs a lot.

2008-07-10T21:15:00.002+01:00

Living with new people makes me realise what a complete odd ball I am; you don't really notice until you view it through a new housemate's eyes...

- I leave my cereal in the fridge for about 20 minutes before I eat it. I like it to be soggy.
- When I drink milk, I swish it round in my mouth. Apparently it makes a noise.
- I bathe my tortoise babies in old takeaway boxes.
- I listen to a LOT of Eurovision music. I've made a big effort to start listening to "cool" stuff now I know other people can hear me, but old habits die hard.
- I get drunk very, very quickly.
- I take my Firefox add ons very seriously.

More hotornot joys, and latest additions to my family

2008-07-08T23:34:00.008+01:00

It seems I don't even need to use my funtime bird watching persona to find weirdos anymore. Meet Vlad.
Vlad is an angry Russian man. His about me made me giggle.

I really get annoyed when people never answer their messages. Look at my keywords, if you don't agree with them, chances are I don't want to talk to you. And please no hip-hop/rap lovers

His key words are: compassionate, devoted, friends, honesty, kind, love, loyal, smart.

All three of those sentences are angry. I also find the whole key words thing hilarious; who disagrees with a word like "smart." Has he had some awful hotornot romance in the past where he got really close to a girl, then dared utter something like, "You know, you're really smart. I can see this going somewhere. You're kind, compassionate, devoted, you love your friends and you're really loyal," and the girl was like, "OMG I disagree with those things on a fundamental level! GTFO my life! Down with smart!"?

I hope so.

He mentioned his job, so I asked him what he worked as and he goes, "I am honestly a bit annoyed when people always ask me what do I do. Does being MRI Tech make me more or less "attrative" to you?" I mean, seriously! What was I supposed to say to that? "No. I only date people with a humanities degree. Bye, loser." What I did say was this:

"I don't know. I've never met another MRI Tech. I was just interested, that's all. I'm sorry if I made you angry. Sometimes I get angry when I don't win the bird I want on eBay and I get mad. It's not a nice feeling. I cried for well over half an hour when I didn't win a stuffed chaffinch the other day.
Vickie"

He doesn't seem interested in my birds, only in telling me about things that piss him off. I egg him on.

This is Henny. I think the word that sums Henny up best is "lovemeister." This is his profile.

i am a true romantic.i love to spoon, cuddle, hug, kiss and make love......

Keywords: 6 foot 5, annie hall, big chill, cuddle, generous, hagendaz, holding hands, hug, kindness, kiss, laugh, los angeles, made in heaven, open marriage, pamper, plastic surgeon, slow dance, spoil, spoon, sugar daddy, sweaty palms, sweet-smile dr, tantra, wife bi, wife tv doctor

The idea of the keywords section of your profile is that somewhere on the site (hotornot is awfully made, so I can't quite figure out where) you can search for specific words that you're interested in, and anyone who lists those words as one of their key words will spring up to the front of your list. If I was to search for a key word I would look for in a man, it would probably be something like "beard" or "Stargate" or "not fat." I don't want to dwell on the mental state of a woman who searches things like "holding hands" and "sweaty palms."

Anyway, Henny likes to send me lovely, personal messages. Sometimes I reply to them.

Henny: you are heartstopping ravishing~! simply enchanting~! read my profile..and key words..i think you will be as intrigued with me,as i am with you.
Vickie: You love to spoon? What does that mean? I love cutlery; I know it sounds weird, but I just have this thing about nice cutlery! I enjoy food so much more if I'm eating it from nice spoons. Especially beef.
Henny: fine...you are simply ravishing~! heartstopping enchanting~!
Vickie: But I thought you said that i was heartstoppingly ravishing and simply enchanting? Not the other way round? Don't confuse me so, sweet Romeo!
Henny: does my juliet have a tel #... how old is my juliet?

I told him I'm 14, just to see what he says. He hasn't replied yet.

Anyway, after the sad death of Sophie, I invested in some more tortoise babies. Meet Captain Picard and Phoebe.

<3>

Dating prospects from hotornot part III

2008-06-26T12:35:00.007+01:00

I've previously written about the strange men I come across on hotornot.com here and here.

In the hotornot universe, you have a few sentences to sell yourself and sum yourself up. Most people's are things like "I'm 27, I'm in the marines, when I'm at home I like to party so click yes!!"

This is mine.

I'm a bird watching fanatic. I also have a large collection of dead birds, they give me much pleasure. When I'm not busy with my birds, I enjoy collecting stamps and marbles from different countries.

What man would not like that?

Anyway, so I spend too much of my time replying to men who message me in my fun, bird watching persona. I thought I would share the results with you. So far, 95% of the people I message believe me wholeheartedly, and seem to like it.
Tony seems a fairly normal guy. His blurb tells me he likes sports and poetry. Tony also believes everything I say. Here's the transcript of our conversation; it spans over about 2 days.

Tony: hi how are u doing

Vickie: I've just been dusting my collection of taxidermied birds. Those buggers sure do attract dust!
How are you?

Tony:ive been good just been playing basketball and baseball and enjoy the summer so how long have u been collectin birds???

Vickie: Well, my collection really started off as an accident; I inherited over 200 when my Aunt Matilda passed, and I sort of added to her collection for the past few years. They fill her entire manor; I have to do my degree part time just to have enough time to clean all of them!

Tony: wow that alot thats cool tho i don't htink i have ever know anyone that has collected or done anything liek that before any had a collection of any kinda. So what ohter stuff are kinda of things are u in too

Vickie: I like professional surveillance equipment and sun loungers. What about you?

Tony: thats cool got to say your diff. from most gurls i know but i got to say i like that you are your own self. i enjoy begin out side find new things too do playin sports as well as watchin them

Suggestions for what I should tell Tony next are appreciated. I'm thinking I tell him about how even my phychiatrist doesn't understand me, but my friend Roger does, and Roger is with me always, it's just no one else can see him.

My absolute favourite person on hotornot is Robert. Robert is either batwing insane, or an even bigger prankster than me. He really, really seems to like the marbles thing.

He writes really long messages, so I won't copy and paste the whole thing; here are some highlights. I never reply with much; he sometimes sends me three messages in a row.

"I am totally fascinated by your photos and your keywords. Feel free to get in touch with me and I'll help you find some new marbles from places that you may not have them."
"I was so disappointed that you didn't write me back! I really really like your look and the fact that you collect things!"
"So; I suddenly have a huge desire to find a very interesting marble to send to you---I'll have to start looking for something unique and beautiful (like you are)---something to reflect your beauty. "
"I know this is crazy; but I woke up this morning, checked my email on here and was so hoping that I might have already heard back from you----there is just something about you that drives me crazy! I mean that. "
"by the way, I also collect traditional church music and Gregorian Chants."
"I have to tell you one of the things that I most like about you, I am enthralled with among other things your thick prominent eyebrows; it is one of the things I most like in women."

I'll book an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed off ASAP.

However, sometimes it's very hard not to revert back to my normal self. I told this guy (Chris) that I'm a theology student and he wrote back with this:

"love nothing better than sharpening my skills on poor theology students. however, been reading heidegger for the past year and am discerning a much more mystical way of interpreting Being, so you might have met me at the right time....i much prefer theology to marketing or PR students....in fact i won't date anyone who hasn't got a degree in the humanities. Does that make me a liberal fascist? i hope so"

I replied with "You sound like a tit." He doesn't talk to me anymore.

I move in with Kat soon!

2008-06-22T00:49:00.002+01:00

On my local radio station they were advertising this service where you text a name and location to 68666 and it'll tell you about the person you described. As I'm always up for wasting time and money, I used it.

Turns out it's not a totally random result; I'm not totally sure how they get their results, but Facebook is definitely involved, as is regular Google name searches. Sometimes the results were scarily accurate, but other times, especially if the person in question doesn't really use the internet, they were just really funny. This is what I got. I'm presuming "Buddy" is the name of the text service.

Vickie Scott, Didsbury.
"Buddy knows one who hails from Nazarene Theological College & was seen flirting with Jacob Thirkell! Has a birthday in late march! A bit of a fashionista!"
Pretty accurate I guess, other than the bit about being a fashionista, and Jake. I'm not sure where or when I flirted with Jake, but I'm sure it was amazing and I will treasure it in my heart forever and always.

Kat Day, Withington
"Buddy knows one who was blessed with looks & intelligence & has close ties to teaching! Recently heard gossiping with Vickie about guys! Looks sexy in white!"
Buddy made up for Kat's lack of social networking profiles by complimenting her a lot. It's all true though, so we like Kat's result.

Joseph Wood, Jamestown
"Your buddy knows Joseph! Mates with Rob Tidy who is definately not as neat as his name would suggest. They love to have a few too many pints together - cute!"
I don't think Joseph and Tiddles have ever had a pint together ever, but come to think of it, they would be cute. Maybe they should.

Robert Tidy, Didsbury
"Buddy knows a Robert Tidy. A religion and theology student from University of Manchester, works in the library. Short brown hair. Good friends with Vickie Scott."
Rob's result was probably the most boring because it was so damn accurate.

Mark Schofield, Bolton
"Buddy knows an emerging tennis superstar named Mark Schofield who dominates in the 1sts team alongside Andrew Davies. Ladies love his skills!"
This was definitely not the Mark I texted in about. Ladies do not love his skills as much.

I think this all proved that me and Tiddles are very easy to stalk online.

In sadder news, my baby tortoise Sophie died yesterday. She hadn't been eating properly for a while, and ironically it was just after I decided on a vet to call that she died. I made her a coffin boat and put her in the river. Despite the boat being made out of paper, it still managed to float away intact. I hope she doesn't wash ashore and get found by a curious child :(

I promised Tiddles I would blog tonight and I sort of forgot and I want to go to bed now.

2008-06-13T23:32:00.002+01:00

This is a list of what I did today.

1. I was woken up by my estate agent telling me that a group was coming to look round the house in 15 minutes. I got ready very quickly. I tried out my new Listerine mouthwash today and it was stingy, but in a good way.
2. Tidied up very quickly so the random strangers looking round my house didn't judge me.
3. Watched all of Scrubs season 4.
4. Dyed my hair blue; haven't taken pictures because I'm not wearing make up today and I need a hair cut.
5. Cooked meatballs. Only slightly burnt.
6. Cleaned out both fridges. Kitchen now smells considerably less.
7. Considered cutting my own hair. Decided against it.
8. Considered again, out of boredom. Might give it a go if I can't sleep.
9. Danced around the kitchen to Stacie Orrico. Realised new neighbour was watching me so ducked behind kitchen cabinet and crawled out of door, hoping she would think I was some sort of raving ghost and therefore ease my embarrassment.
10. Cut my toenails with kitchen scissors. Am impressed with results.

My nephew chased some pigeons today.

2008-06-05T14:20:00.007+01:00

I HATE YOU FACEBOOK! 20 is not old! I'm still fertile! I haven't even finished college! Shut up shut up shut up.

However, two things that are slightly cooler than Facebook's attitude towards singleness are:

1. Face of the Future (Thanks THL). It transforms your face into other races, age groups, chimps and other arty type things. This apparently is what I looked like as a baby, and what I will look like as an old woman.

I think I make quite a fun, generic grandmother but the baby photo terrifies me; I should probably be banned from reproducing in case I inflict a race of evil, toothy doll babies on the world.

This is East Asian Vickie and Afro-Caribbean Vickie. Asian Vickie looks quite innocent, but Black Vickie scares me somewhat. It could be the teeth.

2. I eventually figured out how to rip audio from Youtube videos! My iTunes is now much more fun. Instructions are here.

I found some insanely fun old clothes at my parents house; I will now be EVEN COOLER.

2008-06-04T22:19:00.004+01:00

I'm at my parents now; thankfully they're not too concerned by my face wound.

I've been poking through my mother's computer and I knew I needed to share this picture with the world, because it shows a part of my life few of my college friends even know about.

I am one of those weird interpretative dancers. You're jealous, I know. It's pretty damn cool.

The ladies make his warp drive energize!

2008-06-03T21:49:00.003+01:00

Erm, so I have a rather embarrasing problem. It's not quite as bad as most of the infections that seem to infest my body, but still quite mortifying and hard to speak about in normal social situations. It's not painful so much as it's obvious.

MY HOUSEMATE GIVE ME A HICKY ON MY FOREHEAD. Against my will, I may add. We didn't agree to it over dinner and pinky shake on what a great way it would be to show our affection towards each other. Oh no. He just lunged in there with his lips of steel, and left a great big love bruise on my head. Thanks, Tiddles. I love you too.

Seriously. Pretty much right in the middle. I can make it less obvious with an irritating and impractical emo fringe, but my only real option in hiding it is to wear a hat. This wouldn't be as much of an issue (My life pretty much consists of Youtube and napping on the couch right now) but I'm going to my parents tomorrow, and there is no way they would not smell a rat (Maybe not this particular rat, I'd worry if "Oh no, some lout has given her a hicky on her forehead!" was their first thought whenever I wear a hat, but some sort of nasty rodent would be afoot at any rate) if I wore a wooly hat the entire time. It's not like I can pretend it's a disfiguring birth mark either, them being my parents and all. Unless between now and tomorrow I can make some sort of sexy bandana out of Cath Kidston fabric, I'm going to have to pretend it's a bruise caused by walking into something. Which will make me look stupid and I resent doing.

Back to Stargate!

I think if you watch this video, you will understand my life a lot more.

2008-06-03T01:19:00.001+01:00

I'm still listening to too many techno remixes.

2008-05-30T23:17:00.002+01:00

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
"Vickie needs to be fired." Gee, thanks Google.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
"Vickie looks like a woman who's fought long and hard to enjoy herself, which bodes well for the couple; perhaps she's even strong enough to endure the truth." I want to know what a woman who's fought long and hard to enjoy herself looks like; party poppers in her hair, I hope.

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
"Vickie does best." WIN!

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
"If reviewer Vickie hates a movie—hooo-boy—you'll be sure to hear about it!" Hooo boy! Yee hah!

5: Type in "[your name] goes to" in Google search:
"Vickie goes to war in her Birkenstocks." I like that one.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
"Vickie loves Alex." Hooo boy!

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
I refuse to type this one because it's dirty and rude. I do not partake in such activities.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
"Vickie has a flat share to rent in Cardiff." I really wish that was true.

9: Type in "[your name] died" in Google Search:
"When Vickie died in 1998 , everyone thought it would just be a matter of time before Bai followed her." Bai's following me??

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
"Vickie will never be a large, sweaty caterpillar." Best. Result. Ever.

hello blog!!!!

2008-05-28T21:49:00.005+01:00

EDIT: The morning after.

It appears I blogged while I was drunk. I'm sorry I upset anyone; I was in a bit of an "I will let no man bring me down!" mood. I think I can summarise the post as follows:

1. I'm listening to a song about pirates and I like it.
2. Something about not being a plank; clever link, yes?
3. I am angry at various men.

I can't decide which youth subculture to subscribe to.

2008-05-04T15:54:00.006+01:00

I eventually found an e-card website that I can relate to!

Anyone who's ever made the mistake of giving me their email address in the past, be warned.

I'm dying my hair at the moment; I decided that instead of making my normal break up mistake of getting a bob, I'd dye blue instead. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any blue dye in the Trafford Centre, so it's going to be purple instead. I'm hoping that my hair is healthy enough to cope with being bleached twice in a day, and I'm not forced into getting a bob by all my hair falling out in the shower.

This is why I love the internet.

2008-05-01T11:42:00.005+01:00

Seriously, I love the internet. I remember the first time I used it, when I was about 10 or 11, sitting on a computer chair far too big for me with my dad standing behind me, his hand on my shoulder, getting flustered because we couldn't figure out where to put the url. The first website I wanted to look at was ty.com because at the time, I was an avid collector of Beanie Babies. Come to think of it, I still have about 300 of them packed in individual sandwich bags in my parent's spare room, ready to sell for millions. If anyone has any tips on selling old Beanie Babies for big money, please let me know. I like big money.

Anyway, after my first fumblings with putting the url into the search bar, I discovered my first online community; Catz. It was an interactive game where you could play with virtual kittens, "breed" them (They nuzzled and a big red heart covered the screen for about 30 seconds) and make them have virtual baby catz. I used to download new Catz (It took about 50 minutes; hurrah for dial up!) and spend hours reading pages about how cruel it was to abuse your virtual catz. I did the same with the Sims 1 community (similar game, but with people!) and then discovered forums and chatrooms; they were smaller and less moderated back then, with a proper sense of community. There were a lot less randomers coming into chats, shouting "EPIC WIN FOR 4CHAN!!111" and leaving.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, I became a bit of an addict, and the internet stayed a constant companion throughout my adolescence. The reason why I bring it up today, however, is because I wanted to share things on it that are making me laugh.

Demonbaby pointed me towards this site. It's filled with painstakingly hand drawn pictures of people doing their jobs, with Jesus standing over them getting in the way. I'm not sure why it tickles me so much, but I've been giggling for hours over this. Here's Jesus with a bank teller, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

The woman looks slightly creeped out, like she's trying to figure out a way to tell Jesus that he's not supposed to be standing BEHIND the counter, because that's generally considered a major security risk, but she can't tell him that because he's Jesus, but she's still worried incase her boss catches him there, eyeing up the cash and she gets fired. Jesus looks more like he's had an important theological revelation about her hair.

It also wories me how much the internet knows about me; as soon as my relationship status on Facebook changed to single, the ads on the side bar all changed. Instead of "Get skinny for summer!" (Facebook obviously also thinks I'm fat) ads I'm getting hundreds of ads for dating services. This is a fairly random selection of the hand picked ads I'm now viewing every day:

So, I can summarise what Facebook thinks of me like this:
1. I am single and desperate.
2. I am a sci fi nerd.
3. I am interested in stalking people with professional police surveillance equipment.
4. I'm a "discerning indivudual."

It's fairly accurate, I'll give it that.

Myspace used to give similar results, but at the moment it's just telling me how to watch Futurama over and over. A few months ago though, it told me to go check out Illicit Encounters; I'm still not sure whether it's a joke or not. It's set up as a dating site for people who are already married and want to "spice up their life." If it's real, and I'm suspecting it is, I'm quite baffled as to why anyone would use it; could anyone really be deluded enough to think they'll meet a sane, charming individual on a site dedicated to setting up extra marital affairs? You can even send e-cards and postcards to people, requesting an illicit encounter. They're not quite so detailed as inSpot's STI e-cards ("I have chlymydia! You should go check yourself out...") but are still quite fun.

PS
Also, all the laydeez out there should say hello to Brian. Click here for his Facebook, he's open to being poked.

Nap time now?

2008-04-30T09:28:00.002+01:00

If anyone can help me sort out the oddly wide Twitter on my blog, I'd appreciate it; there's nothing in it's code to suggest it should be fat, and nothing in my code to suggest it would let anything be fat. Saying this, my knowledge of html is limited to the copy+paste button.

I had ONE glass of wine last night and I feel hungover, which is fun when you're in an Old Testament Law class. Steve just gave me a Twix bar, which helps.

I wish I was playing the Sims.

2008-04-23T13:06:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I figured out that if I pull hard enough, I can pull my eyebrow hairs out with my bare hands, but I'm pressed to find a practical use for this in every day life. I've got 2699 words to write for tomorrow and I've heard it's too late to ask for an extention. I think I'm supposed to be presenting a piece of group work and related problems to my Group Work class in 20 minutes, but I don't think anyone will turn up because they have lots of words to write too. Maybe I can go home and play with my simmies for a while.

I'm going to make a MEGA OMELETTE.

2008-04-17T12:17:00.004+01:00

I woke up this morning, went to the toilet, and found this.

Look at it! Waiting! That could have been PAINFUL. Seriously, a wasp on your toilet paper. Ow.

Sarah has been comforting me with happy notes in lectures. I like Sarah.

Yaaaaay fun time revenge!

I'm going to be communicating via lolcats for a while.

2008-04-13T00:06:00.003+01:00

I just read through 89 pages of lolcats trying to find one that would perfectly express my current mood, and this won by far.

Today, at work, I hit my head because I didn't realise that glass was infront of my face. There's a bump. A well meaning manager told me to "submerge my face in water for at least 10 minutes" so that I didn't get poorly. I'm considering it.

Sophie is trying to be a lolcat. She fails, because she is a tortoise.

I iz tryin so hard not to killz you rite now.

2008-04-09T12:40:00.001+01:00

Today, I found the lolcat bible. It's making my essays so much more fun.

Psalm 22

1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now?

2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz.

3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel.

4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz.

5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u.

6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now.

7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz.

8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u."

9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl.

10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masticate.

11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly.

12 OK so there iz buckits all around.

13 dey is haz me! oh no!

14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths.

15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin.

16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh.

17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez"

18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"

19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings!

20 dun let invisible bike hit me!

21 HLEP LOL!

ROFLCOPTER

2008-04-06T22:04:00.003+01:00

I like myspace because people are funny. People give themselves silly names and I don't really understand why. These display names made me laugh.

Th@ N@m3's Mr. R0BiNs0n
According to a quiz he filled in, the first think Mr. RoBiNsOn thinks on waking is that maybe today is the day he'll find the perfect laydee.

Andre Betrayal™(2.5K) PWNS
Ironically, Andre Betrayal states in his About Me that he would die before he broke a promise.

Amelia Addiction™
Says, "Just so you know, I do have a life. Myspace is just an addiction."

Terrifyingly:) Hurt [Bri]
Bri (I'm presuming that's her name) is single/taken AT THE SAME TIME. She describes her man friend as a knight wrapped in toilet paper, which sounds exciting.

jawbreakerJakeee.
Unfortunately, not Jake Thirkell. jawbreakerJakeee is 15 and promises to drink, smoke and fuck until the day he dies. Sadly, jawbreakerJakeee is too young to legally partake in any of these activities, so I'm presuming that's why he spends so much time on myspace.

Micky Massacre™ [is.drop.dead.gorgeous]
Like 4/10 people on myspace, Micky Massacre is "the most random person you will ever meet."

‡?»Thømå§«¿‡ ¦32.5k¦
Thomas has such an exciting myspace life that apparently "it be like lights, camera action when I sign in my pro.
I'm still waiting.

~Ñ¤‡õ®ïôü§~ xEviLxSiNx ™
Apparently goes by the name Sin in real life and has a 3 year old boy called Ryan.

It's Cody Bitch®[14.3k]
Cody loves "tanning, myspace and my phone."

Jonathan|™|Gruesome
Eventually, someone who lives up to their name! Jonny boy wants to become a mortician when he's all grown up. His myspace tag line is "I want to smell the scent of your insides as I cut open your stomache and play with your guts and intestines" which is friendly.

MilesMassacre
Is going to make all our new trends old news. I'm waiting.

★ЯïήKeЯ★
Wants to know "where mah dawgs at." I don't know, Rinker. I really don't know.

French plaiting is FUN!

2008-04-05T17:42:00.002+01:00

I just had a weekend lecture marathon and I'm so tired. On the plus side, the rash that has infested my body for the past few days has subsided and I'm slightly less itchy. I have somewhere to live for the next year now which is exciting; I'm moving to Fallowfield with Kat and Anoush. I'm quite excited about sorting through all my clothes and putting them into piles, but am trying to keep the sorting-things-into-piles urge at bay until I've either finished all my essays (Currently, I'm on 0/5) or get some phychological help.

I painted my nails sparkly.

2008-04-03T15:34:00.003+01:00

Seriously, the Goa'uld get to wear all the cool clothes. I'm supposed to be doing an essay on a Psalm, but I can't decide which Psalm. Oh dear.

I ordered takeaway from a new place last night and it was quite nice. They gave me free poppadoms. I think I might try and teach myself to french plait.

I like the smell of washing powder.

2008-04-02T20:39:00.004+01:00

I gave into something I've been wanting to do for many years, and sorted all my Quality Street into neat piles and counted them. Incase you were wondering, here's the full list of how many sweets I have.

Toffee Deluxe: 19
Milk Choc Block: 8
Coconut Eclair: 10
Toffee Penny: 14
The Purple One: 7
Orange Chocolate Crunch: 5
Strawberry Delight: 10
Vanilla Fudge: 14
Caramel Swirl: 6
Orange Creme: 11
The Green Triangle: 7
Toffee Finger: 5

I enjoyed that too much.

Some old Irish hag is sitting on my back, apparently.

2008-03-31T01:20:00.002+01:00

I fell asleep watching Stargate today and had a really weird experience; I woke up, but couldn't move at all for a few minutes. I was on my side, half buried in my pillow and could only see part of my window and the side of the bed. It was so weird; I felt like I'd turned to stone or something.

So I looked it up on Google later and apparently it's a fairly normal thing called sleep paralysis, where the brain hormones that stop you acting out your dreams take a little longer to wear off than they should do. There's a lot of folklore about it; it's often combined with dream like hallucinations that make you think there's a devil/ugly old woman/ghost sitting on your chest or at the end of the bed. As I've read the Wikipedia article in full, I consider myself an expert.

However, up until a few hours ago I hadn't heard any of this, so when it happened to me, all I thought was, "Wouldn't it be cool if Stargate was real, and the Asgard are doing medical experiments on me!" and went back to sleep. I did somehow manage to rip my favourite dress in a fairly vital place though, which is annoying and confusing.

Because of my unintentional excess of sleep, I feel really gross. I have that really groggy feeling; I'm really tired and really awake at the same time. I feel fairly chirpy, but I'm picking faults with things that I normally wouldn't even notice. When it gets noisy, I want to scream and back up into a corner. I'm probably going crazy; maybe the Asgard did visit me after all.

Spring forward, fall back, apparently.

2008-03-30T02:24:00.002+01:00

I think it's safe to say that no-one reads this thing anymore, so maybe it's safe to write about something that isn't my tortoise.

For some reason, I'm depressed. I have been for quite a while. I know rationally that my life is going fine and dandy and I have nothing significant to complain about, I just feel really low all the time. Everything irritates me, everything gets to me. I feel guilty for being depressed, therefore making me more depressed, etc etc.

I think I must be acting like an insane person; I'm following my friends around everywhere because I want the company, but I never do or contribute anything; I just want to sit there and Be and be ok. Whenever I try and talk about the things that are bugging me, people delve a bit too deep into it; I know it's not the end of the world. I don't want it fixed, I just want people to understand that I'm bugged, and still like me. That's all.

I'll probably delete this.

Yay!

2008-03-11T20:19:00.000Z

Which Goa'uld from Stargate SG-1 are you?

You are Nyerti! Ooh, you bitch. You stop at nothing to get the perfect host you want, do you? You like doing complicated scientific and genetic experiments in various labs. You once destroyed a whole planet, and turned a little girl, Cassandra, into a living bomb just to take on the Taree. You manipulate and scheme and dont care who the hell gets in your way because youll just turn them into part of your great plans. You do have an invisibility device which is very cool. V. cool indeedy.
Take this quiz!

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Silly Sophie #1

2008-02-11T14:03:00.000Z

I think she forgets that her shell isn't very bendy.

Quote wall for December

2007-12-12T09:20:00.000Z

Dr Rainey - "I deny everything I say in class. Don't quote me on anything."

Vickie (in a text) - "You'll still suffice for breeding porpoises."

Updates

2007-11-06T22:38:00.000Z

Because I very rarely blog in a diary form, I figured I would give a brief update of the more interesting things I've done this year. This is mostly but not entirely because I like writing lists.

- I went to the Philippines with a beautiful Scandinavian nudist. We spent most of it island hopping around deserted beaches, snorkelling through coral reserves and eating. It was great.

- I bought an adorable little tortoise called Sophie. She's tiny and amazing. She just proved once and all her theological alliegences by doing her bi-weekly poop on top of a Matthew Henry's Bible Commentary.

- Kat got me a job in H Samuel with her, which is oddly fun. It's fuelled an obsession with jewellery which is taking up a worrying amount of my life. Jake works there too now which is ace.

- Rob and I reached our one year going-out-anniversary. The celebrations involved steak, cake and Star Trek, which makes us very cool.

- I've toyed with the idea of getting dreadlocks for months, and have decided against it. However, if work is ok with it, I might dye my hair purple.

- I've personally caused all of the world's environmental problems by going on 17 flights in 12 months, which makes another fun list because it makes me look interesting.
Manchester - Belfast
Belfast - Manchester
Liverpool - Nice
Nice - Liverpool
Manchester - Qutar
Qatar - Manila
Busuanga Island - El Nido
El Nido - Puerto Princessa
Puerto Princessa - Cebu
Cebu - Manila
Manila - Qatar
Qatar - Manchester
Manchester - Dublin
Dublin - Manchester
And planned for the New Year:
Manchester - London
London - Chicago
Chicago - Manchester

This is one of the many reasons why I don't have as much money as I'd like.

Photos I wish didn't exist.

2007-11-06T17:47:00.000Z

My face, aged 11.

Being taller than everyone else, aged 17.

With pants, aged 19.

Doing a Baywatch impression in my fat stage, aged 15.

Letting a boyfriend do my make up, aged 16.

Going through a scene stage, aged 17.

With a goose, aged 18.

Youth work, aged 17.

Interpretative dance, aged 16.

I love Norton Internet Security.

2007-10-19T21:54:00.000+01:00

What's that? If I don't activate my account five million, three hundred and seventy four thousand and twenty four days, Norton Internet Security will stop working? If I don't activate my account by the year 16720, I won't be protected against a whole host of viruses and other threats?

I mock you, Norton Internet Security. I mock you.

Another reason why my kids are great.

2007-10-05T09:34:00.000+01:00

Pastor: We're going to have a drama about Joseph next! Who can tell me anything about Joseph?
Kid #1: He had a coat!
Kid #2: His coat was a technicolour dreamcoat!
Kid #3: He was a good singer.

I've forgotten what I had to do.

2007-10-03T11:57:00.000+01:00

I was first alerted to the letter in my college pigeon hole by Matt Smith, who mentioned it while I was at the vending machine. Intrigued, I went to investigate, taking my boyfriend with me. I was excited about the prospect of a loving handwritten letter, or even better, a cheque.

The letter was addressed to the Student Welfare Officer. Someone had opened it, then readdressed it to me.

"Sucker!" said my loving boyfriend. "No one loves you! It's just social justice junk." I was sad, and didn't open it until I got home.

When I eventually opened the letter, I didn't find a Tearfund magazine, or a leaflet about buying cows. I could understand that; I'm the Social Justice Rep. That's what I'm supposed to do; buy cows, or something. What I found was nothing to do with social justice, yet it had still been addressed to me. This is where my confusion arises.

Inside the envelope were five bright pink posters saying, "I did the test and now I'm PREGNANT! What now??", two leaflets of a similar ilk and a cardboard cog wheels that tells you when your baby is due.

I want to know, who at NTC thinks I need this information? Why was it me they addressed it to, rather than the college counsellor or the Youth Min rep? (Youths of course, are infamous for their skills at getting pregnant.)

Until I hear otherwise, I'm going to presume that the faculty think I'm a brazen hussy.

I miss giving blood.

2007-09-30T15:59:00.000+01:00

I led Sunday School this morning. Less than a handful of kids cried, therefore it was a big success for me.

My mother bought me a love spoon in Wales which made me happy. Her dog, Timmy (aka SATAN HIMSELF) has got fat and is still spitting in the face of mortality by staying alive. He walked into the gate of my driveway which made me laugh.

Love spoons!

2007-09-26T17:11:00.000+01:00

I reached a new low in my unintentional quest to be the girliest person in the entire world by buying a trashy novel on the basis that the flowers on the cover coordinated with my bedspread. Not to mention my cushion covers, mobile phone, curtains, rug and several of my dresses.

I've managed to survive my first week of lectures with no tears and only a small head cold. The lectures have (surprise, surprise!) actually been pretty interesting. Theology, as usual, depressed me because I'm incapable of following the discussion. I'm living in hope that it'll be easier next week and I won't feel like such an academic failure.

I've fallen headfirst into my placement again and am loving it. In a moment of misguided enthusiasm, I agreed to preach at some point this year, which excites and terrifies me in fairly equal measures.

I've managed to embarrass myself infront of the freshers countless times already. I told a very confused group of them an incredibly boring anecdote which bummed pretty hard, and in my haste to carry on talking to hide my mistake I told the exact same boring story again. Another guy told me he was engaged, and instead of saying, "Wow! Congratulations!" like my brain was trying to say, I said, "Oo, ello!" in a very slutty way. I dread to think what he thinks of me, or for that matter, the 8 other people who listened in on that particular faux pas.

On Monday I had an afternoon nap and woke up to find a man on a ladder looking through my bedroom window. That was disconcerting, to say the least. My window now has a large and ugly strip of lead at the top, and my ceiling has a crack in it from being stomped on by the aforementioned work man.

I think it's nap time.

I knew this already.

2007-09-17T13:08:00.000+01:00

Kids have big dreams.

2007-09-13T15:26:00.000+01:00

From the "I wish" wall at Stockport Hat Museum.

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge, find yourself a big lady...

2007-09-12T17:52:00.000+01:00

This is balut. Balut is a fertilised duck egg, complete with duckling foetus. I ate it, and it was good.

Henna got naked in a restaurant last night...

2007-08-31T11:09:00.000+01:00

I'm still alive! Hurrah!

My tan is pretty fantastic. Envy me!

Filipino computers are very, very confusing.

2007-08-22T13:02:00.000+01:00

I'm in Manila! It's both boiling and wet, so it's a real sweaty heat. I've managed to avoid being kidnapped/mugged so far, which I'm very happy about. Flight was longer than I realised, it was 16/17 hours!

I spent a good part of today searching for an internet cafe before I realised that there's one right inside the hostel. Oops!

Imagine! The posture defines the design!

2007-08-21T04:46:00.000+01:00

I am at my stop over in Doha. I get free internet access provided I can endure the constant adverts for Samsung, which is harder than it sounds - they all involve bendy women in leather.

I ate lamb curry on the flight, tasted quite nice. Am very satisfied with in flight goodie bag also.

I have a new bruise! Rejoice!

2007-08-20T13:00:00.000+01:00

I leave tonight. In preparation, I've been googling "how to avoid being kidnapped." I now know:

- If a family member of mine is kidnapped, I shouldn't let "the help" be in the room while I'm talking to the police, because they're probably in line with the kidnappers.
- I should avoid embarrassing the US government.
- I should be polite, and not afraid to ask for a paper or a cup of tea.
- Rescuers sometimes mistake you for your captors, so I shouldn't be insulted if I'm searched.
- British people are less attractive to potential kidnappers than Americans.

Basically, be very, very British.

I'm very tempted to steal the Nazarene mouse mat.

2007-08-18T15:59:00.000+01:00

At the moment, I don't think I'll get dreads. I adore how they look, but I think I'd only want them some of the time. Which obviously isn't the way forward with dreads. Maybe another time, when I'm less fickle. I have been overcome with an urge to dye my hair blue again though; might bleach it when I'm back from the Philippines. We'll see.

I'm so excited about going away I can't sleep or eat. I've packed everything I can, and written notes about everything I can't. I even managed to find a moderately attractive bikini.

I'm worrying about the most obscure things. I can't fit my contact lense solution in with my toiletries, so it'll have to go in the medicines bag, but somehow this feels wrong. This is a really bad time in my life to develop OCD.

Also, you should all click on this.

50 First Dates made me cry yet again...

2007-08-17T20:31:00.000+01:00

I have further proof that my nephew William is going to grow up in my likeness.

He has good taste in hand bags. These photos aren't staged; he picked up the bag himself and hooked it over his little arm. Then chewed it a bit. I mean, I totally encouraged him once I noticed, but he really liked it! He cried when I took it away from him!

He also likes Pokemon.

In other news, I've started to pack. In true Manchester style, it's been drizzly all day, so I've been watching my washing like a hawk and running in and out with it constantly. It felt sort of like a war; me against the weather. In a bad way.

I'm having to make all sorts of heart wrenching decisions, like what underwear to wear on the plane (It's important!) and whether I should I need to make/purchase a bag to put my jewellery and headscalves in. I told you, it's a difficult time for me.

In other exciting news, there are no nice bikinis on the high street at all. All the normal shaped ones (ie no ruffles, large beads, shells etc) are either not in my size (I'm not sure how that happened; I'm a distinctly average size) or covered in frightening jungle prints. Or paisley. I don't like paisley.

Tidy is watching me type. HELLO TIDY!

2007-08-15T19:40:00.000+01:00

Dreadlocks, yay or nay?

I just sneezed on my knee.

2007-08-14T19:40:00.000+01:00

I think I've developed an awful reading disability; I'm misreading everything. I just saw an Olay advert on Myspace and giggled for ages because I thought it said "gay," and everyone knows the word "gay" is hilarious.

I'm now on Malaria tablets. I'm looking forward to the interesting effects they will undoubtedly have on my bowels, which I plan on telling anyone who will stay still enough. So far I've been fairly side effect free, except for a brief and uncharacteristic bout of depression after the first four tablets. I was charged for an adult meal in the Tesco cafe while my friends were charged for a kid's meal, and combined with my rock solid Yorkshire pudding, this nearly reduced me to tears. I apologised to my boyfriend for this, pointing out that I'm rarely moody and therefore it was the tablet's fault and not mine, and he had the nerve to disagree, saying that I'd been moody "at least 4 or 5 times" in the past 10 months. I think you all need to point out to said boyfriend, that in girl terms, this makes me practically comatose, and he should count his lucky stars for such a laid back girlfriend, and also buy me lots of gifts.

Henna and myself now have a rough plan for our trip to the Philippines. We're staying in Manilla for the first week; our hostel is down the road from a "gay friendly foam party club" which excites me a lot. After that we're going to Palawan, which according to the "Philippines Travel Information" given to me with my malaria tablets is a place where British people shouldn't go unless absolutely necessary; the FCO's website disagrees with it, so I'm not worrying. After that we're going to the Visayas, then back to Manilla.

While trying to find attractive pictures to accompany that last paragraph, I found a wonderful website telling me about "Love and Romance Filipino Style." Apparently Filipinas find old fat foreigners particularly attractive, which is handy for the old fat foreigners. There's also a handy list of questions to ask a potential Filipina bride you are chatting to online, including whether they're a light or a heavy sleeper, and how many long distance phone calls they would expect to make once they were married. A man also writes a helpful essay on the dangers on taking your Filipina bride to live in the States; apparently they stop being as submissive and start "saying no," which is of course an awful thing for any woman to say.

Another website tells me of the wonders of getting stoned in such a beautiful environment. I will however, be careful; I've been told to be wary of chewing the betel nut, which damages teeth.

For the first time in my life, the Annoyopedia has failed me; it only lists 17 ways to annoy people on an aeroplane, and most of them involve props or a loud voice, neither of which I have. I plan on spending some of the time writing a more comprehensive list of ways to annoy people on a plane, and then share it with the world.

I caught Mew!

2007-08-11T21:02:00.000+01:00

Using this cheat, I actually managed to catch myself a L7 Mew! For real!

This reflects badly on my life, but my heart is beating really fast with the drama of it all. First I couldn't figure out when to teleport, then Slowpoke proved harder to beat than I expected, then I ran out of Pokeballs and had to start again (He took me about 6), then I thought I'd lost Mew when I switched off the Gameboy, then I thought he'd wiped the saved game...

But no. Mew is now mine, and I am his. I love you, my little pink beastie. I love you.

"Dropping it like it's hot" sounds painful.

2007-08-11T15:36:00.000+01:00

I've started playing Pokemon again. It's consuming my life - I play it in the IKEA queue, while I'm on the phone, on the loo. I carry my Gameboy around in my bag as religiously as I do my keys and that cashcard with the big overdraft. I bet you all wish you were as cool as me.

My gothic myspace profile now has 47 friends. If gothic Vickie is more popular than regular Vickie, I might have to go insane.

I'm considering getting into online poker and becoming rich. Any thoughts or opinions on this, let me know...

Things to do before I leave college

2007-08-08T14:39:00.000+01:00

I thought this list would be easier to write and accomplish than the "things to do before I die" list.

- Become an internet celebrity. This is classier than being a regular celebrity and therefore a worthier goal.
- Dress up as a mime artist and hang out in Piccadilly Gardens.
- Get a manicure without dripping blood everywhere.
- Use an advanced Vogue sewing pattern for it's intended use, rather than as a stylish coaster.
- Busk.
- Create the perfect cheesecake.
- Go wreck diving.
- Win a theological debate with someone over the age of 16.
- Get a job.

My life is really quite shallow.

I have just been sent the Girl Guide's Non Descript Fungus Badge.

2007-08-07T16:46:00.000+01:00

I have just about managed to survive the last few weeks without anymore gross minor injuries. I've lost a few moles due to excessive itching of midge bites, but moles aren't particularly useful anyway, so no biggie.

After watching Legally Blonde a few too many times in one week, I got my first french manicure yesterday. The woman who did it obviously had a deep seated hatred of me, because she made me bleed far more than was neccesary and made my nails incredibly wonky, but I rather enjoy being the "type" of girl with a french manicure. If I ignore the nail with blood seeping out of it, I feel quite classy.

After an unfortunate incident with Tidy's hair dye, we decided to dress up as goths and see if we could pull it off in public. The residents of Didsbury gaped at us, despite our fairly standard outfits.

We suit it, no?

The library is quiet in summer.

2007-07-13T17:42:00.000+01:00

Reasons why I am bad at being a girl:

1,
I cannot shave without cutting myself.

2,
I cannot wear skirts without getting attacked by midges.

3,
I cannot wear heels without getting open wounds.

I think I'm losing my voice.

2007-06-24T13:46:00.000+01:00

I kicked out 3 kids from Sunday School this morning, so they caused a scene and swore at the pastor. I have no idea what to do with that group anymore. The kids aren't having much fun anymore because we spend the whole time doing crowd control, they're not learning anything about God for the same reason, no one wants to lead the group anymore and they interrupt the adult service as well. I don't know what to do.

I got bit by midges this week, and because of my incessant scratching the bites have spread all over me. I'm going to go buy some medicine and eat a sweet potato.

I am sitting next to BRIAN.

2007-06-19T15:46:00.000+01:00

Dogs keep on chasing me in parks. I'm beginning to suspect that I'm covered in dog pheromones, sort of like that episode of Futurama where Hermes sprays fish pheromones on the Professor's face and Dr Zoidberg says, "I'm so into you!" and sucks his face. Sort of.

I got my eyebrows threaded on Saturday and it was amazing; it literally involves nothing other than a spool of special cotton and a clever beautician.

Got to work.

I'm at work again.

2007-06-13T17:21:00.000+01:00

I left the house at 8am today, and I've got so much done. I think I'll start doing it everyday, though it'll probably never happen.

I'm getting training from Team Chlymidia tonight (not training in HAVING chylmidia, as my young people thought, but training in TESTING for it) which I'm excited about. I'm at work now.

For the people who notice these things, I've updated my layout slightly: I've cut down my links to the blogs I actually DO read, rather than the strange mishmash that it was before. I've also taken down the links to the God Blogs, because I've decided I dislike them, and would rather new readers weren't directed straight to my most emotional writing.

I fell asleep in the passenger seat before.

2007-06-11T12:14:00.000+01:00

My nephew is possibly the fattest baby ever, but he's pretty cool.

My father

2007-06-10T22:23:00.000+01:00

"there's some darkies! you can't call them that though, or you'll get kicked off big brother. michael cannon's wife is dead sure that if i get down to the harbour i'll set sail and go right back down to the coast. i'm reading about obadiah. one of the first places in england that allowed a free slave to be buried with his owners! grandmother of the first usa president! slave traders from whitehaven. poor old thing. think it's gone down any? i don't think it's as... as... the pressure's gone. it's still damn sore. i'll put one on in the morning maybe, i'll get the air get at it tonight. it's definitely not as vicious coloured though is it? it should be alright, it was horrid stuff that came out of it. it was probably his tooth getting under it. i don't remember hitting that thing when i did this, right, but i do remember when i was trying to prise his mouth open it went right under my nail. has he been out? good boy! look at him, happy noodle. so i'll have a walk down town, and my dentist appointment is what, 10? i have to check that. then i'll walk up to gilly's. yeah. looking forward to pushing a pram? i've had a good walk with him in the pram once, we went with him to the hospital and we took him round town. me and your mam."
- My father half talking to me, half talking to himself.

I'm back at my family home for a night a day. I haven't slept here since Christmas, which is surprising, seeing as I only live 1 1/2 hours away. I spent the afternoon gossiping about other people's children with my mother, which I enjoyed. My dad came home from work at tea time, and I stood up to hug him; I'd missed him dreadfully. He refused to show any affection though, and busied himself more than necessary with his shoes. My mum, seeking a way out of the awkwardness, dragged me out to walk the dog.

Since then, Dad has been trying to show affection in his own odd way. He came into the living room and insisted that Timmy, our half dead poodle, had a present for me. He'd wedged a £20 note in between his drowsy paws, and insisted that I take it out and thank the dog for being so generous. When I tried to hug Dad again, he refused, and told me to give the dog a kiss.

I must have looked as disappointed as I felt, because he appeared 5 minutes later with a wad of £20s which he gave to me himself. I didn't try to hug him that time, and he seemed much more comfortable with that.

Since then, he's shown me incredibly boring pictures of a mill my great great great uncle worked at, and made me read two newspaper articles about the death of another distant relative (1811: He fell infront of a train.). He's boasted that some of our ancestors are the first recorded marriage on a register I don't entirely understand, and showed me a magazine article bearing his name to prove it. He made me pluck the long hairs in his eyebrows that keep catching in his glases; I plucked as many as I could, because I won't get another chance for a while. He showed me pictures from a book about a Methodist preacher who trained in Didsbury; he pointed out that a homeless man used to be in the military, because of the coat he wore, and the year he would have fought in. He told me about his new job; he was surprised that the "pakis" were the friendliest people there.

I couldn't stand my father when I lived with him; there's only so many times you can shave a man's back without at least feeling slightly distempered. But now, when I'm low, all I want is a hug from him, however racist, sexist and moody he normally is. I miss and love him a lot. I hope he knows.

I think I require drugs of a more industrial standard.

2007-06-08T11:19:00.000+01:00

Ah, I'm at work again! The perfect time to blog.

I've realised that far too many people read this blog now; I'm not complaining (much), because I get a fairly prideful kick out of it, but it does limit what I can write, somewhat. I'm tempted to backtrack through all my previous entries and remove anything that would suggest my Christian charactor is anything less than saint like (Including, but not limited to: pictures of me drunk in a gay bar, pictures of me drunk in a regular bar, stories about leaving the house without a skirt on, references to Rob Tidy etc etc.) but realised that would leave an archive of about 3 entries, and would paint a very untrue picture of myself.

I'd like to confirm that I actually do do (Haha, do do!) work when there are things to do, and I don't spend all my work hours blogging and compulsively checking madradstalkers, only some. And in lectures, I very rarely blog at all, because I fear the wrath of my lecturers too much (Hello, NTC faculty!), so I normally go on Facebook instead.

I go home on Sunday for a day to get my car's MOT done. It works fine, so I'm not worried about that, it's just generally gross and dirty. I really should clean it this weekend. I've owned it for 6 months now and I haven't cleaned it once; not (just) because I'm a dirty slob, I just don't really know how. I didn't own a bucket for a long time (I'm presuming the family I live with now own at least one) is my main excuse, and I'm fairly sure I'll look awkward and clumsy and somehow do it wrong, and involve bleach when bleach really isn't needed.

I also realised today, while reading a book about laws affecting young people, that if I get another 3 points on my license before April that I will lose my license, and my life will be over. You're only allowed 6 points in your first 2 years of driving (I'm sure they told me it was only on year when I took my test; liars!) instead of the usual 12. I already have 3 points from the incident in Rusholme (43mph isn'tTHAT fast at night, to be fair!) so I'm actually going to have to watch the speed limit like a hawk for the next year. I honestly don't know if I'll manage it; I always feel incredibly guilty when I drive at or below the limit, like I'm a very bad driver and don't understand the REAL laws of the road. Which is true in the actual real REAL laws of the road sense, but not in another. Oh dear.

There's a friendly guide dog sniffing my foot.

2007-06-06T13:47:00.000+01:00

I've been getting all my jabs this week, so currently I'm infected with two forms of hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, and Japanese enchepalitis. I'm broke (I have to pay about £200 for the privilege for being disease free) and I'm rather woozy.

I couldn't get all the jabs done at the same clinic, so I had to find a private one in Sale yesterday called One Stop Travel Clinic. Without access to the internet, I couldn't figure out exactly where it was, but there was a building with One Stop Travel Shop written on the side, so I figured it was the same thing. I turned up in the morning and waited in a waiting room for ages, and eventually a receptionist asked me who I was and stuff. She couldn't find my appointment, and we talked for about 10 minutes before we realised that I was in the Alcohol Misuse and Treatment Centre. There were no signs! I can understand if they didn't want to write their name in huge neon lights, but at least a small sign would have helped.

Work is really quiet.

Microwaves are amazing.

2007-06-01T15:47:00.000+01:00

I have very little access to the internet now, so this will have to be brief:

I made bread yesterday. This makes me amazing.
I am enjoying working in Macclesfield. My favourite tasks so far have been seeing how much porn/violence I can access on the work computers and "researching" Fairtrade clothing websites.
I'm living in Northern Moor now (the estate where I work) and I like it. It's nice being able to wave to my young people whenever I drive in or out.
I ate too many Double Devon Butter Toffees this morning and I feel quite ill.
I've applied to be in the audience on the Jeremy Kyle show.
Rob Tidy is leaving me to live on my own for two whole months, so I'm going to develop lots of weird habits and fill the house with cats and "trained rodents". He is evil.

There's a creepy man with facial hair watching me from a window.

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000+01:00

I took Rob&Rob to the Saturday Market in Penrith this weekend and they ate burgers.

I've moved out of halls now, which is quite sad. It had it's low points, but I'll miss it a lot. I can't move into our glorious home in Didsbury until July, so until then I'm squatting anywhere I can. I'm living in Pennie's old house at the moment, and I'm moving to Northern Moor in a week or so for a while. It's odd living on my own; I've watched so much Futurama that I'm speaking in a slight American drawl, and the fridge is filled with half finished tins of food. I'm having to steal internet off a neighbour too, hence my silence online recently.

I'm working for the Youth Service in Macclesfield for the next 8 weeks. I'm enjoying it a lot, but travelling there everyday is costing me a bomb. I've got enough money to half fill my car up today, then I'm broke and without food until a cheque clears.

Speaking of work, I'm late.

How to annoy people at theological college

2007-05-11T09:55:00.001+01:00

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but I've struggled; it's surprisingly hard to shock anyone at college because they're so laid back. Much to my dismay, there's no more prudes here than anywhere else, so I can't take advantage of that. However, we've tried our hardest to cause merriment. I hope you enjoy.

- Never take your Bible anywhere. Why would you need it?
- Bring questionable creation science into as many arguments as possible. Why wouldn't God plant dinosaur bones in the ground to test our faith?
- Gasp with a careful mixture of shock, distaste and fear whenever you hear the phrase "the call to singleness."
- Do musical renditions of "Sex on the Beach" before and after chapel services.
- Describe Westboro Baptist Church's theology as "challenging" and "inspirational."
- Request that the worship group sing their songs more often in Chapel.
- Use Hillsong United lyrics to disagree with the teachings of important theologians.
- Tell couples to "Make room for Jesus!" at every opportunity.
- "I say this in love brother, but..."
- Attempt to organise wine tasting parties on the back lawn at least once a month.
- Blame everyone elses's pain and suffering on a lack of faith. If you ever get hurt yourself, it's because Satan is persecuting you because of your holiness.
- Swear down that it definitely says "in the Bible somewhere" that the Antichrist will be British and that cider is the blood of Satan. Spend all your Biblical studies lectures searching for these elusive verses.
- Punctuation isn't neccesary during spoken prayers; the word "Lord" will suffice. E.g. "Lord, we ask you Lord, that Lord, you just come to us Lord, help us Lord, and Lord, you're amazing Lord, be our protector Lord, O Lord, we need you Lord..."
- Cover your ears and go "La la la!" whenever lecturers quote from female theologians.
- Remember, the only reason God calls people to theological college is to get married. Keep this at the front of your thinking throughout your entire education.
- As a side note: Freshers = fresh husband material
- Quote from the Book of Hezekiah at every opportunity.
- Once people eventually realise it doesn't exist, write it yourself. Quote from it in essays.
- Tell bad Bible jokes over and over again. E.g. "Who was the shortest person in the Bible? Knee-high-miah!" That joke is always "fresh."
- Misinterpret incarnational ministry to justify your drug problems. I'm fairly sure it's possible.
- In lectures, interrupt the lecturer and students as much as humanely possible with the phrase "In my church, we..." Remember, your churches way is the only way, and the other poor souls in your class need to be enlightened to this higher path of righteousness.
- Read one book and memorise it. Quote from it constantly in casual conversations to make yourself sound more educated.
- If you're ever using PowerPoint in a lecture, make sure there's perky little noises in between every slide. Also, the more time every bullet point spends rotating and twisting before it stays still, the more clever and computer savvy you look.
- Write your dissertation on why being poor is a mortal sin.
- Audit classes then use them to write blog entries.

Poll: Hair

2007-05-10T10:18:00.000+01:00

I have a dilemma. I am currently growing my hair, and I'm enjoying it. The layers need a trim, but other than that, it's all good. I am happy.

However, I was overcome, albeit very briefly, with an urge to bleach my hair and dye it bright pink yesterday. I'm confused; I like it brown. This is the first time in years that I've stayed with my natural colour for more than 2 months. It's healthier, becuase I haven't dyed it in 6 months. I don't need to worry about it turning grey if I use too much shampoo. It's cheaper. But then there was the random urge; maybe I am denying myself? Maybe my hair WANTS to be blue/purple/pink and I'm only keeping it brown because I'm boring.

I never manage to get decent pictures of my hair when it's more technicolour than anything else, but there's pictures of it pink here and here and it was purple in this picture.

Please, help me!

Should I dye my hair a crazy colour again?

more at twiigs.com...

I have no idea why I'm in this lecture.

2007-05-08T09:08:00.000+01:00

I'm doing an urban ministry intensive this week. It seemed like a really great idea when I booked it. I hope I can switch to audit at the last minute.

To pass the time, I'll tell you what's going on in my head at the moment.

Perinaise in Nandos is possibly the tastiest thing ever. I've been watching Brian eat it with his chips for months and thinking it seems a weird idea - spicy salad cream! - but I eventually gave in and got some for myself. It makes everything it touches taste amazing. You should all eat it every day because it will make your taste buds happy and your life better. Fo' sho'.

I'm going to the Philippines in August/September with Henna for three weeks. We're planning on working with a mission agency for part of it and travelling around for the rest. It's going to be amazing and I'm terrified.

The plane tickets cost a bomb, but we're justifying that because the living costs there are so low compared to Europe. It's about £1 or £2 a night for a decent room in a youth hostel, and I found an apartment for £13 a night, which was amazing. I'm going to go to the doctors this week and find out about what delightful jabs and malaria tablets I'll have to get; any advice is welcome. Seriously, any. I've never been out of Europe.
This summer, I've become the vending machine slave. I have to spend huge amounts of money in Makro buying things to feed it, spend hours filling it up, and even more hours being pestered because it never works properly. People have very strong opinions about what should be in there, and unfortunetly I can't fit everything in. I felt quite popular for the first day, but now I'm really fed up of people asking me for things from the cupboard that I couldn't fit in the machine. If anyone asks me anything like that again while I'm trying to watch TV on a Saturday night I might punch them. Or feed them poison, whatever.

I feel really ill all of a sudden. It tastes like something has curled up and died in my throat and my neck is really stiff. And I have a headache. Urgh. This class is going to be fun.

For the first time in my life, I feel kind of worried about money.

2007-05-05T20:11:00.000+01:00

I am really excited about this. Iorek is HUGE. And the kid who plays Lyra is a cutie, even if she does have a pretentious name. (Dakota Blue sounds more like a shade of matte paint, to be honest.) And with Daniel Craig AND Eva Green, it'll be like an awesome Bond reunion, but with giant bears and witches. It's going to be fabulous.

This movie is consuming my thoughts so much right now. Maybe I should get a large Alethiometer tattoo, just to prove my utter devotion. Or name my first born son Iorek Jr. That would be fun. Although I'm fairly sure I've promised at least five people that I'll name my first born son after them, and I specifically remember making a pact with Matt Smith that if he named his first born Festus, he could name mine whatever he wanted. Pennie and me also have a pact going where if either of us gets pregnant in the next year, we have to call the kid Bingo or Fabio. I love theological college.

Seriously, please keep an eye on me. I feel really weird today.

I need to remember to return books to several different libraries.

2007-04-27T02:08:00.000+01:00

I just finished my last essay for this year.* I stayed up late into the night to finish it, in a phychotically productive, hyper awake mindset. It was amazing. I also managed to do two loads of washing.

Sadly, literally the second I hit print, my body just died. I've retched 3 or 4 times already and have just dosed myself up with pills before I hit the sack, before I get up at 6.30 in the morning to do more laundry and say bye to Amy before she goes back to America. Is it bad that I'm thinking this much about laundry? I think I've taken too many pills. You see, I didn't have anything to handwash my tie dyed stuff with, so I've just put it in the wash on it's own on the wool/delicates cycle with only a tiny tiny bit of detergent, and I'm wondering whether it'll take out any of the colour, or whether I should put on my coat and go have a peep just in case, and crap, I'm insane, and even though I realise this I'm STILL thinking about the laundry. I don't want to leave things in the drier too long after they've tried either, because unless I take them out straight away I'll need to iron them, and nobody likes ironing, face it, though maybe I could combat that by just putting them on another tumble dry cycle? Also, because I put them in the drier straight after they'd finished washing, they were still really wet, and even with it on the highest setting it still might not be enough time because there's towels and stuff in there too, and I really really really need to go to sleep.

I love college; this has been the happiest year of my life, and it has gone so quick it's unreal, but right now, I'm really glad it's over with, at least for a weekend.

* Unless you count the two intensives I'll be doing, which are 4 days away. However, that spoils the joy, so we are NOT counting them.

I hope this is a good thing...

2007-04-23T16:13:00.000+01:00

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

89%

Emergent/Postmodern

86%

Classical Liberal

64%

Neo orthodox

54%

Modern Liberal

46%

Fundamentalist

43%

Roman Catholic

39%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

36%

Reformed Evangelical

32%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Brian gets freaky at midnight.

2007-04-23T00:18:00.000+01:00

I took my kids to a churches together service at Brooklands Church of the Nazarene tonight. They made me laugh alot. These are the reasons:

- Tracey Day did a drama. One of her lines was "Do I look like a rugby player?" to which one of my girls shouted out "Yes!"

- They developed a liking to my housemate Brian, and hit on him all night. One of my older girls lifted up his top, which he didn't appreciate so much. Sorry, Brian...

- When Brian rejected their advances, they proceeded to beat him up. Again, sorry for that.

- They rated my male friends against each other. They saw Jake as a bit more attainable because he was the youngest, and went off Michael Cope when he said he was 33. I find it quite funny that they believed this.

- They became convinced that Michael was actually my boyfriend. He tried to dissuade them by saying he went out with Brian, to which one of my girls shouted "HE'S A GAY! IN A CHURCH! THERE'S A GAY IN A CHURCH! GET HIM OUT! GAY! GAY!"

- I caught one of my girls talking ghetto at Emmy. She was all in her face, and threatening to batter her. Emmy, you're down with it. They don't talk like that to me.

Tidy listens to annoying music.

2007-04-19T15:42:00.000+01:00

Dr Swanson, I know that you read this blog. Please, explain this.

Climbing on the roof is surprisingly thrilling.

2007-04-11T16:54:00.000+01:00

I am a nerd. This week, as well as working and doing other nerdy things, I've been doing obsessive things with DIV layouts on myspace. This is mine, which didn't involve any graphic editing, and this is Tidy's, which did. Fear me and my mighty geekery! Or pity me, whatever.

It hurts when you get lemon pepper up your nose.

2007-04-04T20:22:00.000+01:00

After I'd been to the gym today, I went to have a shower. Like most gyms, the showers are communal; the showers lead off the changing area. The changing rooms are quiet, so it's never bothered me. When there are other people around, people are really polite; if you're having a shower, they'll wait. No one stares. No one talks to you while you're getting changed. These rules are unspoken, but everyone knows them. People are polite like that.

Anyway, after I'd had a shower today, I went back into the changing room to dry off and get changed; so far, so good. Just as I was about to derobe, a woman walks in muttering to herself, saying, "I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad... haha... I'm mad, I'm mad..."

She seems a bit off whack, so I asked her if she was okay. She carried on talking; she was half talking to me and half talking to herself. She told me all about the hospital she worked in, exactly how far away it was, about how smelly her shoes were ("I'm expecting steam to rise up out of them!") and how long it's been since she was last at the gym. She talked for a long time.

I don't really want to get undressed infront of this mad lady, because she's looking at me as she talks, so I do as many things as I can that don't involve removing my towel. I did my hair, I texted Rob, I organised my toiletries into parallel lines. I folded the clothes I was about to put on, just to keep my hands busy. During all of this, the mad lady is still looking at me and talking. By this point, she's undressed herself; she was a big lady, and she was wearing a large, stained grey thong. It wasn't pretty. And she's still looking at me, and she's still talking, and there's nothing else I can do to avoid getting changed myself. I removed the towel.

She shrieked. It doesn't fill me with confidence when people do that when I undress. Oblivious to the fact I obviously didn't want to talk to her until both of our bodies were fully covered, she told me about all the thin women who she went to Weight Watchers with. I'm not entirely sure how it was relevant, or why she shrieked, but it was weird. I left pretty quickly.

People are weird.

I still don't know why there's 13 Star Trek videos in my common room.

2007-04-04T10:40:00.000+01:00

I can't comment using Haloscan at the moment which is annoying; I can still read all of your comments though, so thank you.

It's really sunny which I like.

There's a 6 pint thing of milk on top of the big fridge, and I can't tell whether it's part filled with fat, or really really off milk. I hope it's fat. I really hope it's fat.

I've been elected Social Justice Representative on the Student Council. If you can all pray that I develop some sort of heart for social justice over the next few months, that would be great.

"Are you SURE you don't want to listen to some Hillary Duff? No?"

2007-04-01T18:51:00.000+01:00

It's the end of lent today! I gave up wearing make up this year, except for times when I was doing anything formal. I managed it! It was horrible at first; my face looked a totally different shape so it took a long time to get used to. Thankfully, other than my dear young people ("What have you done to yer face?!?"), everyone has been really supportive. I'm definitely going to wear less make up from now on, it made me look a bit too much like a drunk drag queen anyway. That's never a good look. For me, anyway.

My contact lenses have joined the war that seeks to destroy my sanity. The pair I wore last month had dirt embedded right in the middle that I couldn't shift however hard I tried and made me blink constantly, and the pair I started wearing last week have taken it to a whole other level; a third of a lens managed to fall off during the night. I put them in this morning and they felt weird, so I took them out and had a poke, and I realised that my contact lens wasn't as whole as it's meant to be. I wore it anyway to church, but I was crying out my right eye the whole time (My church probably thinks it was the holy spirit...) so eventually gave up and threw the faulty lens at Rob Tidy. He freaked out, which was fun. Hello, Rob!

I'm mad at the moment because I just realised that all of my friends are away during the easter holidays, so I'll be all alone, cursing everyone for having lives. I would go home, but that would make me even more depressed. I think I'll just end up buying all of Co-ops wine selection, drinking it all and writing some really insightful theology. Good times.

I just ate gone off cheese cake.

2007-03-30T22:00:00.000+01:00

At work yesterday we had a goodbye party at Kidz Klub for two leaders who are getting married and going away. We had a bouncy castle and a trampoline and I manned the Kraft Korner. (I consider the overuse of "k" essential to all good children's work, by the way.) I'd bought some new pens especially from Tescos that were scented; seriously, kids have some amazing toys nowadays. The Kidz Klub Kids were very excited by all the nice smelling pens (Or stimulated by the fumes, at any rate...) and drew whiskers on my face with the black pen. It amused me alot. I went home with pen still on my face.

When I got home, I decided to have a nap before I picked up Tidy from the Trafford Centre. I flopped on the sofa and slept like a heavily drugged baby and woke up late, so I blearily ran to my room, got my coat and my car keys and set off. I had totally forgotten about the whiskers.

I arrive at the Trafford Centre 10 minutes late and start walking around the food court, madly searching for Tidy. People were staring at me and smiling and it took me a long time to figure out why. I felt a bit of a fool when I realised and had to slouch with my hair hiding my face for a long while to hide my blushing whisker face. Attractive.

Also, I saw 300. You should too. SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!

Birthday pictures

2007-03-28T14:03:00.000+01:00

On my birthday, we went to a waterfall called Aira Force and snuck into Lowther Castle. The pictures are pretty. The photo credits go to Kat D and Rob R.

I am in a lecture about beards and religion. Really.

2007-03-26T11:32:00.000+01:00

It was my birthday yesterday. I used to dread birthdays; I always felt under such pressure to have fun that I couldn't, just out of pressure. It always used to bring to light that I didn't have enough friends to justify a party or that my friends think I'm very odd, judging by their gifts. Thankfully, I have gotten over this irrational fear.

Yesterday Kat, Chris, Rob, t'other Rob and I went home for the day. There's some amazing pictures which I don't own yet, so I'll do a real blog with them later - I just wanted to share the reason why my dad embarrasses me sometimes.

We were all sitting in my living room drinking tea with my parents and my dad was telling me about a freedom course he'd been going to at church as part of the anniversary of the abolition of the slave trade. He was talking about how his "homework" was to bring back something connected to the slave trade to talk about.

Dad: I'm going to take Carl.
Vickie: Carl? My old boss Carl?)
Dad: No, the Carl down the road. The black man.
Vickie: Dad, you don't even know him. Stop being racist.
Dad: I do know him! He's from Barbados!

I hope my friends aren't too afraid to come back...

My contact lenses are sore.

2007-03-23T23:52:00.000Z

Someone left loads of hair in the bath today and it was really gross. It actually blocked the plug hole. I hope none of it has stuck to me.

It's my birthday on Sunday. Buy me large gifts.

I forgot to eat today.

2007-03-22T22:48:00.000Z

One of my young people told me I was their best friend today, so I told her to shut up to stop myself from crying. I love my girls.

My nails need clipping.

2007-03-15T22:38:00.001Z

Oh boy, I am such a fool.

So today, I was in town and I bought some totally cute Hello Kitty pyjamas. They're yellow and pink and lovely. The top is a tank top shape, and the bottoms are little hot pants. They're very comfy. My bedroom at college is boiling, so I figured they were a practical choice. Ask Christy, they were cute.

I came home from work tonight and there was no one else in halls. Things were deadly silent, so I had fun playing my own perky music on repeat. After a while, I get a bit sleepy, so I figure it's a good night to try out my new pyjamas. Because no one was in, I also came to the conclusion that I could hang out in the common room for a while before retiring to bed. This was my mistake.

I went to my room and put on the pyjamas. On my way out my room, I picked up a fleece blanket to keep warm. This is the only thing I did right.

Before I'd even closed my bedroom door, I met Brian. Brian, I'm sorry if I violated your eyes. I really mean it. For once, I wasn't trying to seduce you with all the flesh - I just wanted to join a few Facebook groups, and maybe read a little bit, all on my own. It wasn't what it looked like. I'm sorry.

Before I'd even made it to the common room, three grown men arrive. I'm not going to say their names because they seem fairly computer literate, and Google has pointed far too many people in the way of this blog in the past, but one of them is my house mate's dad and the other two are pastors that I've met a few times before. One works quite near my home in Cumbria.

This brings me to my current situation. I managed to run to the common room, wrapped as tightly as I can in my giant leopard print fleece to hide the fact that I'm wearing glorified yellow panties. I'm curled up on the sofa in the fleece, and the two pastors are having coffee and talking. They've already identified me as "the girl who dates Peter Rae's son." They've figured out which church I work at. They know who I am.

I can't escape without flashing at them. I think I'll end up staying on this sofa forever, because I can't get up. I'll get the sofa equivalent of bed sores. Someone, help me! Or bring me food, or a bed pan, or something.

I think I've learned my lesson.

I am interested by the Multigrain Boulders.

2007-03-11T17:42:00.000Z

My kids were amusing me at church this morning. I was sitting next to a guy who looked about 4 or 5 this morning. He looked a bit rough so I mas making a fuss of him and he kept on asking to play with the things in my handbag. I said no to the idea of him playing with my iPod, my phone, my purse and the money in my purse, then eventually gave in and let him play with my bracelets. There's only so much fun to be had with hanging bracelets off your ear, so he had a new idea.

Boy: Can I play with your skirt?
Me: No.
Boy: Take off your skirt!
Me: No! You don't say that to ladies.
Boy: Take off your skirt!
Me: That's rude! You can't ask that!
Boy: Take off your top!

Oh, my.

Another of my girls claims to have operated on her own foot. I thought she was joking until she showed me a bright green wound about the size of a two pence piece. Yeah. Still rather confused about that.

Another thing I'm confused about is a mysterious poster that appeared in my pigeon hole today at college. It was addressed to me, but there was no clue as to who it was from. It was a giant Gladiator poster from The Times, like this:

If it was any of you who sent it me, 'fess up. Also, thank you! It brightened my day!

As you go up the stairs at my college, there's portraits of all the past and present principals. They normally inspire me to be noble and search vigourously after the truth, but today they shocked me, because someone has violated Dr McGonigle's face with a GOLDEN MOUSTACHE.

Someone needs to 'fess up to that, too.

EDIT 13/03/07: Both of these things can be blamed on lecturers. Louise Kenyon is responsible for the poster, and the credit for the moustache goes to Peter Rae.

Reasons why Matt Smith should not be allowed on camera.

2007-03-09T17:21:00.000Z

Reason #1

Reason #2

He so wants us.